With ever-increasing numbers of cyclists on local streets, an interested observer needs a way to identify the various flocks. Herewith we present the first ever Field Guide to Vancouver Cyclists. Our examples are local but the characteristics are universal.
Table Of Contents
- Road Racer (aka "Roadie") - “Currus actuarius”
- Weekend Recreation Riders - “Ambulo septimanus”
- Fixie Rider - “Difigus-apparatus hipsterati”
- Recumbent Riders - “Mobilius reclinus”
- Bicycle Messenger - “Messengerus kryptolocki”
- Common Commuter - “Commuter velocitus”
- BMX Rider - “Ascensor exulto”
1. Road Racer (aka “Roadie”)
Scientific Name: “Currus actuarius”
Can Be Seen: Throughout North America, although sightings tend to be sparse in the northern latitudes during the winter months; some migrate to warmer climates, particularly Southern California and Arizona.
Likes To Hang Out: Frequents European coffee bars, Italian restaurants, and cheap smorgasbords; can usually be found in large flocks on weekends along deserted rural roads, especially in extremely hilly areas, or in empty industrial parks on weekday evenings.
Likes To Eat: Diets vary, but species usually consumes vast quantities of its particular staples, whether vegetarian or carnivorous. If hoping to feed this species, it is best to plan on serving the largest size (and then triple it). Unlike its distant relative, the Touring Cyclist, the Road Racer does not get fat consuming its ample diet, at least until he or she retires and metamorphoses into either a Touring Cyclist or a Couch Potato.
Unique Qualities: Various subspecies exist. Subspecies Category 4 and 5 can usually be identified by black grease marks on the inside of the right leg. This is usually combined with a propensity to smash headlong into the rest of the flock, particularly at high speed. The highest categories – the strongest and fastest of the species – can be identified by their conspicuously cleaner appearance, prominent display of corporate advertising, and an absence of hair on their legs.
Distinct Behaviours: From a speed and style perspective, road racers are at the top of the food chain. Since they appear relaxed, smooth and fluid, even in full flight, their speed is deceptive. A category 1 or 2 of the species usually looks so relaxed that street racers are often tempted to challenge them. This is a mistake, as the street racers almost always end up with their asses on a platter, especially when the road goes uphill.
Road racers need to be approached cautiously and offers of food are recommended.
Status: Population appeared to be on the upswing between 1999 and 2005 due to successful summertime species displays in France. But revelations of use of illicit performance-enhancing drugs at the highest levels during the past year appear to have dampened species expansion, at least temporarily.
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2. Weekend Recreation Riders
Scientific Name: “Ambulo septimanus”
By Terry Lowe
Can Be Seen: Usually can be found along Vancouver’s Seawall, a multi-use pathway that circles the city from Kitsilano Beach to Stanley Park. The best time to spot such riders is between April and October. A subspecies known as “Tourist” was also often found within Stanley Park until recently. Storm damage to that habitat has us worried that these visitors may not return this year. Spring plumage is casual and sporty – mainly Mountain Equipment Coop. Once summer arrives and their numbers grow more numerous, they moult into Lululemon and/or spandex shorts.
Distinct Behaviours: Despite the fact that the Seawall is built at sea level, and thus has no elevation anywhere, these riders use mountain bikes, of varying quality. Some are content with no-name generic bikes from big box stores, others ride Norcos and Giants, and some Kuwaharas and Nishikis have been spotted. Occasional, but rare, Rocky sightings have also been reported. These bikes are usually bright and shiny, and show no dust or dirt whatsoever.
Unique Qualities: These riders favour unadorned bikes: most have no fenders, and few have lights or racks. Most riders are helmeted but few carry water, and even fewer carry locks.
Likes To Hang Out: They are amiable and gregarious and can usually be found congregating at Starbucks or at Stanley Park hot dog stands with their young.
Status: Their primary characteristic is disposable income. This gives us confidence that their population is robust and will continue to thrive.
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3. Fixie Rider
Scientific Name: “Difigus-Apparatus hipsterati”
By Lyle Vallie
Can Be Seen: Claiming the entire roadway in dense urban areas, splitting lanes, and skidding through corners. Most notably spotted standing off the seat, diving forward, and locking the rear wheel moments before entering an intersection, in an attempt to scrub off speed and have others take note of their presence.
Often can be identified by simplistic elegant track bicycles, tight denim pants rolled calf high, tattoos, facial hair (male), creative hats, handkerchiefs around the neck or bicycle. They can also be recognized by their lower appendages. Many will have chequered skate shoes, bound in double toe straps and retro-style chrome clips, but a few may have the same type of moon shoes worn by road racers. Unlike the roadie, the Fixie rider’s feet will not stop pedalling, unless they actually stop for a red light.
Likes To Hang Out: Though usually a blur, the Fixie rider can occasionally be spotted at a lesser velocity, walking their steed down the sidewalk to the nearest coffee bar. They’ll often remain seemingly motionless when congregated in packs, balancing on their bicycles. Some will perch atop their frame to deftly “man up” a challenger. A change in pack momentum is very hard to initiate; getting them moving once stopped, or getting them stopped once moving, is equally difficult.
Likes To Eat: Often found devouring the cheapest vegetarian or ethnic food possible, and quickly.
Unique Qualities: Fixie riders are excellent climbers and will scramble up the most daunting hill in an unwisely large gear, in order to skid on the way down. Despite their Neo-Luddite inspired machines, they often get along with road racers and can be seen frolicking in the hills together in playful interspecies competition.
Distinct Behaviours: A bizarre mating ritual of the Difigus-apparatus hipsterati is to skid past their potential fixed mate, while yelling “HEY FIXIE!” This is followed by MP3 playlist-fuelled dance parties and gratuitous making out. Often fixie riders will display their bicycles prominently in front of a house party, rock show, or gallery opening in order to attract others to the gathering.
Status: Many of the other cyclists found in this field guide are (d)evolving into the Difigus-apparatus category each day. Similar to a viral infection or some zombie horror, their numbers are increasing at an exponential rate. If the population does not implode on itself, there is a chance that the Difigus-apparatus hipsterati may take over the cycling kingdom.
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4. Recumbent Riders
Scientific Name: “Mobilius reclinus”
By Ron Richings
Can Be Seen: Occasionally seen on most bike routes, but particularly where the route is flat, e.g. False Creek. Recumbent riders frequently have an aversion to hills (unless they’re going down, of course). Usually seen smiling since their hands and butts don’t hurt, although recumbutt* can strike without warning.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Odd sunburn patterns, notably on the knees. Particularly virile, since the blood flow to important organs and appendages has not been reduced, unlike riders on those funny upright bikes.
Unique Qualities: Mostly male, beards not mandatory but preferred. Most often in their 40s or older. Younger riders usually don’t have the money or the experience to understand that these bikes are the future, despite the catcalls from upright cyclists. “Laid back” personalities. Mirrors? Yes, whether on helmet or multiples on handlebars.
Religious Icon: St. Thomas Reclinus, the patron saint for people who do things lying down.
Transit Wish: TransLink will install racks on buses that can hold a seven-foot-long recumbent.
Christmas Wish: Front fairing (wind screen) to let them ride just a little bit faster (and keep the bugs off).
Bike store question: “Do you have an eleven foot chain?”
Clothing Question: “Where do I get a cycling jersey with three pockets on the front?”
FAQs What is that thing? Did you make it yourself?
Website of Choice: www.bentrideronline.com
* Short form of “recumbent butt”: Pain in the gluteous maximus muscles caused by riding certain recumbent bicycles at fast speeds.
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5. Bicycle Messenger
Scientific Name: “Messengerus kryptolocki”
By Red Gundam
Can Be Seen: Throughout the downtown core, Downtown Eeastside, and the South Side (i.e. across the Cambie, Burrard and Granville bridges).
Likes To Hang Out: HSBC building, Vancouver Art Gallery lawn, Pub 340, Crab Park.
Likes To Eat: Beer, crossword puzzles, cola, coffee, cookies, any kind of free food, and cigarettes.
Unique Qualities: It has been postulated that the messenger is a distant relative of the marsupial, as both are mammals with pouches. Unlike marsupials, the messenger’s enormous pouch is most often mounted on the back and can be swung to the front for quick access of its contents. There are no documented cases of messengers carrying their young in these pouches, although they transport nearly everything else in them, from envelopes to human organs.
Distinct Behaviours: The messenger commands an encyclopaedic knowledge of its surroundings. As it gains experience, not only knowledge of streets and building numbers, but every entryway, every receptionist, and every elevator become part of the messenger’s understanding. It is thus able to dart to and fro with great agility through streets and alleyways. Messengers are for the most part unshaken by aggressive drivers, as they are accustomed to dealing with downtown traffic. However, messengers can still be seriously injured by cars – dexterity and intelligence are no match for carelessness from enormous powerful masses of steel.
Status: There is a persistent and growing cult of admirers who seek to emulate the fashion and attitude of the messenger. The subject of much fiction and many documentaries, they remain a romantic image of freedom and tough urbanity.
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6. Common Commuter
Scientific Name: “Commuter velocitus”
Can Be Seen: Common commuters can be seen on roads and bike routes in the early mornings and late afternoons. Although usually found in more densely populated areas, commuters tend to travel alone. They congregate in the downtown core in the mornings and return to their nests at the end of the day.
Likes To Hang Out: Common commuters can often be seen at Mountain Equipment Co-op stores on Saturdays.
Likes To Eat: The eating habits of common commuters are unclear, although they appear to store food in the large bags they carry.
Unique Qualities: Interestingly, there are very few differences in appearance between the male and the female of the species. Indeed, the sexes can be difficult to distinguish from afar, although both are visible from great distances due to their brightly coloured plumage (most often yellow or red) and hard-shelled heads.
One of the most notable features of the common commuter is its ability to disguise itself during daytime hours. Its twice-daily change in plumage renders it virtually indistinguishable from commuter automobilius or commuter omnibus until it takes flight.
Distinct Behaviours: The common commuter typically rides in straight lines, rarely veering from its pre-established path.
Status: The status of the common commuter in the Vancouver area is currently a puzzle to researchers, requiring further study of its breeding habits. While overall numbers appear to be rising, population studies have found that 75 per cent of commuter velocitus are male, drawing into question the long-term viability of the species. The female population needs to grow significantly to keep the species from extinction.
Remarkably, it has been discovered that commuter automobilius and commuter omnibus are actually able to transmute into commuter velocitus, a process which, it is believed, has the potential to help increase the female population.
[Editor’s note: A Lower Mainland-based society dedicated to the support of “commuter velocitus” facilitates this transmutation process, thus helping to improve the viability of the species locally, through an initiative known as The Commuter Cycling Skills Program. Learn more at: http://www.vacc.bc.ca/bikeskills ]
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7. BMX Rider
Scientific Name: “Ascensor exulto”
By Jeff Chan
BMX riders stand out from typical transportation-oriented cyclists because of their unorthodox approach to terrain.
BMX riders fall into a number of subcategories, characterized by their choice of terrain. (Note: These categories, created to simplify observation, are by no means exhaustive. Many BMX riders exhibit traits of multiple categories.)
“Blastus maximus” – Distinct Behaviours: This most visually impressive variety of BMX rider exhibits an addiction to adrenaline and an uncompromising mindset, which translates into lofty airs and smooth landings on concrete, dirt, and wood surfaces alike. Can be seen in a variety of locations, including the Hastings/PNE skatepark and a number of secret and semi-secret dirt tracks.
“Technicari wizardus” – Distinct Behaviours: Recognized for their amazing feats of agility and bike control, these masters of the flatlands frequent the asphalt plains bounded by Expo Boulevard, the Plaza of Nations, and the Seawall.
“Assaultarius urbanae” – Distinct Behaviours: Interpreting the city landscape in a fashion similar to skateboarders, these urban denizens can be seen launching themselves down stairs and performing hair-raising stunts on ledges and handrails throughout the city.
Status: Intermittent reports of hostility between skateboarders and BMX riders are largely exaggerated, as the two species often demonstrate a cooperative, symbiotic relationship. While respect is commanded by the subspecies mentioned above, it is “Kookus disrespectus,” known to mark its
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